As a coach, I get asked a lot about the difference between coaching and therapy. So, I thought it would be fun to share my personal experience and shed some light on how coaching and therapy are both immensely helpful and transformative, especially when working with the right person.
1/ Why I love therapy.
I’ve worked with many therapist over the years. Some good, some great, some not-so-great. It took years of starting and quitting therapy in various formats and modalities until 1) I was finally ready to embrace the process, and 2) the right therapist came along, at the right time.
When my marriage was on the rocks, we worked with a marriage counselor for almost a year. Going to therapy didn’t save my marriage, but it helped me see how often I would betray myself in an attempt to belong and connect. In retrospect our marriage counselor was quite attuned, but at the time I felt frustrated that Couples Therapy wasn’t solving our marriage problems. It seemed only to highlight how far apart we really were.
Before that, I had worked with a handful of therapists individually but none of them resonated with me or seemed to understand my particular language (or lack thereof). Only in retrospect did I realize that finding the right therapist is no different than going on a lot of first, second, and (sometimes) third dates until you find someone you really like spending time with.
After my divorce, I considered going to therapy but I didn’t feel like I needed it. That was until shit hit the fan and I made a desperate call to a woman who was covered by my insurance who also happened to have an opening that very afternoon! Her name was Denise. She had long grey hair down to her waist, wore turtlenecks under her sweatshirt that had horses on the front, and was passionate about rescuing abused animals. When I met Denise she had been working as a therapist for nearly 40 years. Never married, no kids. Her work as a therapist and advocate for animals was (and still is) her life’s purpose.
I worked with Denise for six years, starting with weekly sessions. Then we went to every-other week sessions, followed by monthly sessions, until one day I was struck with a feeling of completion. Our time together was done. Denise had told me this would happen. It hurt my feelings at the time to hear her say that, but when the time came, I felt a great sense of peace about our ending.
The number one commitment I made when going to therapy was to TELL THE TRUTH. No matter what, I wanted to be honest. I didn’t want to hide, lie, or avoid. I was ready to really, truly face what needed to be looked at and healed. Despite how terrified I was, I kept my commitment, and to this day it’s one of the bravest (and most rewarding) things I’ve ever done. I was honest with Denise to the best of my ability, and never in my life to that point had I ever experienced so much unconditional acceptance, love, compassion, non-judgment, and grace from another person. I’m also not sure I ever gave myself to chance to experience such things until then.
Week after week I poured my heart out in rage, in tears, in confusion; and week after week Denise held me with presence and deep listening. I learned to trust and open my heart again. I learned to speak my truth and ask for what I need. I learned to be on my own side and acknowledge that I am valuable and worthy of love, always.
And that is why I love therapy.
Note: Many of the wise teachings I share with you in my online courses, especially for Compassionate Boundaries, When Relationships End, and Inner Child Healing, is thanks to the time I spent with Denise. She is one of the most enlightened, brilliant, kind, wise, humorous, and deeply effective humans I have ever met. It was an honor to heal, grow, and learn from her, and to pass her teaching on in my own work.
2/ Why I love coaching.
The first coach I ever hired was a business coach, in 2013, before I had any clue what coaching was. All I knew was I wanted to launch an online business called Stay with Yourself, and was completely overwhelmed with the largess of my vision and utter lack of knowledge in how to make it a reality.
I met with my coach weekly at a local coffee shop, and he coached me through how to take action steps, shift my limited mindsets, and lean into the support and accountability required to turn my desire into something tangible. During the six months we worked together, I miraculously met someone who could build my website for free, hosted four local storytelling events called Stories from the Darkside, curated dozens of online stories from people all over the world, threw a launch party for my new brand at a hip gallery, and made my first real money as a Soul Docent from a paying client!
Our sessions were conversational and inspiring, very much like talking with a wise friend. At the time, hiring a coach was the most money I had ever paid for anything ever — thousands of dollars on my credit card because I couldn’t not do it… I couldn’t not take action toward what was burning with aliveness inside my chest. The combination of action-based encouragement, uplevel in self-awareness, and expensive price tag, was the PERFECT trifecta required for me to shift my life (not just my new business) in a more expansive direction.
Ten years later, I hired another coach to help me dive deep into facing my unconsious words, thoughts, and deeds that kept me in a state of fear and scarcity. The actions I took were big, bold, and exploratory. My coach was not one to mince words, and would call me out on my own bullshit. This is one of my most favorite things about our time together. I felt seen, uplifted, and held to a higher standard. I was treated like I was capable, not coddled or cooed. This, again with the pricey out-of-pocket cost called me into greater confidence and self-belief.
And that’s why I love coaching.
Fun story: The phrase ‘Stay with Yourself’ came from my aforementioned marriage counselor. After going on a rant about how my husband wasn’t behaving how I wished he would, our therapist leaned forward and said, “Jessica, it sounds like you need to learn to stay with yourself.” I had never heard anything like this before and asked him to explain what he meant. He illustrated that it’s up to me to take care of, and honor, my own needs, no matter what my husband (or anyone else) thinks, says, or does. Whoa. At 33-years-old I put that in my pipe and have been smoking it ever since!
3/ The difference.
If you can’t tell, I’m in love with both coaching and therapy. Whether you do them in tandem, or switch between them during different phases of life, any choice you make that helps you create a life you love, and love the life you live, is the best choice you can make!
As a coach, I always tell my clients: I’m not your therapist. Stories about your past are not on the menu. Unless there’s something relevant in your history that needs to be addressed in order to help me better understand you and support you to move forward, we’re leaving the old stories behind in favor of new ones. If you need to process past events in greater depth, go to therapy. That’s exactly what it’s for.
A good coach and/or therapist will:
call you out, and call you in.
be your mirror, your friend, your conscious parent, and your northstar.
hold you with fierce love and accountability.
guide you to take action based on your inner wisdom.
help you expand beyond your limiting beliefs about what’s possible.
create safety by putting healthy boundaries around their time and energy.
Beyond that it’s a question of whether you need to process emotions from past and/or current events (aka: therapy), or if you need someone to help you get unstuck and take action in a new direction (aka: coaching).
NOTE: This is, of course, a simplified viewpoint from my experience. Most coaches and therapists are a blend; which is why it boils down to time, place, need, and compatibility. Nonetheless, I hope you found this helpful :)
4/ Special Disclaimer.
I wouldn’t be doing this post justice if I didn’t mention there are many coaches and therapists out there who are unfit for their position. Working with clients one-on-one is not for the faint of heart. This work requires energetic mastery, unwavering commitment, profound wisdom/intuition, and exceptional boundaries.
Many coaches and therapists are burnt out and overextended, taking on too many clients for too little pay; or, despite their degrees, certifications, and trainings, they haven’t done their own inner (and outer) work, making it difficult for them to support their clients. Do not confuse education with true wisdom, training with hands-on skill, or knowledge with self-work.
This is not to say your coach or therapist isn’t as wildly human as you are! Part of why my coaching method is so effective is because I let my clients see me in my own mess and am willing to let myself be a living example of what I so passionately preach, and teach! There’s nothing more powerful than leading by example, vulnerability, and self-responsibility. I encourage you to find a coach or therapist who lives in alignment what you value — someone you trust, admire, and want to learn from.
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Wishing you much peace, clarity, and joy on your path!
That was a perfect definition of a coach: it’s like talking to a wise friend 😊 I’m stealing that