#003: The Very Hungry Jessica
An essay for hungry women
My boyfriend loves taking me out to eat. Mostly we eat tacos. But sometimes it’s greasy burgers, big bowls of piping hot japanese noodles, or eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns that he cooks up for me as I perch on the countertop, drinking black coffee in his oversized sweatpants.
He’s a generous man who never lets me pay for a meal but sometimes concedes when it comes to takeout pizza or drive-thru mochas. I’ve never been so full in my entire life. Which is saying a lot considering what a big appetite I have for food.
There’s a story my mom likes to tell about me from when I was a kid. I was at a friend’s birthday party. (I’m not sure which friend since this is my mom’s story, not mine). All the kids were playing in the front yard as parents arrived one by one to pick them up. When my mom didn’t see me in the yard, she searched the house and found me sitting alone in the kitchen eating a giant slice of birthday cake. Turns out it was my third piece, and I much preferred it over playing outside with the other kids.
QUEUE Courtney Love singing, “I want to be the girl with the most cake…”
When it comes to food, I’ve never not had enough, but I’ve been known to eat like every supermarket it about to go out of business. Even still, I’ve never let myself eat and then eat again, and again, until I’m so completely full and satisfied that I literally don’t want to eat another bite.
This is different from binging. For me this is literally not putting any restrictions on myself and seeing what it’s like if I LET MYSELF BE SATISFIED. And not just satisfied, but so completely nourished that making the decision to not eat another bite is based on a deep trust that there is always more food, and I will be fed again, without question. Because this is the promise of Life.
In many ways it’s a matter of learning to receive the generosity of a man — (a beautiful representation of Life Itself) — who loves to feed me; and allowing myself to heal the fear of lack I have lived with for so long. Not just with food, but with everything. Not making choices for myself based on should and ought-to and that’s-what-some-podcaster-with-a-big-audience-told-me-to-do type of reasoning. But instead making choices for myself that FILL ME THE FUCK UP!!
What if I let myself be satisfied over and over and over again?? What if I only ate what was was truly appealing to me and exciting to put in my mouth? What if I ate like this until I was satisfied and full and too content to complain about anything? What if I wasn’t afraid of fullness or getting fat or not eating a single raw vegetable for weeks on end? What if I fed my hunger without shame?
The Very Hungry Jessica
{a shadow poem by Jessica Amos, c. 2021}
Three cups of coffee
A chocolate croissant
Two whole sandwiches
One kombucha
Two dark chocolate cashew cups
An entire Amy’s pizza
Three cups of hot lemon water
One cup of tea
Twelve hours of solid sleep
Constant dreams of past lovers
Explosive arguments in my head
Defenses rising around my heart
An insatiable need for attention
A young inner child who needs my love
Waking up and peeing like a racehorse
Ready for bed as soon as I wake up
My soul inviting me to dance and play
My brain planning for survival
My heart asking for freedom from defense
My nervous system on high alert
My spirit calling for ease and faith
My past grabbing with sticky fingers
As I pour my morning joe, I wonder
If I am really a caterpillar
And this is all a dream
As I become the gelatinous goo of creation
Everything that needs healing, rising up for attention
The still, small voice inside me whispers:
“Surrender, surrender, surrender
Notice, notice, notice
Relax and open, relax and open
Allow your BEcoming
There’s nothing to do
Nowhere to go
You’re already here
It has already begun
You cannot stop your unfolding now
“Eat when you need to eat
Sleep when you need to sleep
Watch the candle flame flicker
Do not move too quickly
You will emerge at exactly the right time
And even then you will need to rest
For emergence is part of BEcoming
Your wings need time to dry
Before you can fly”
I’m not hungry yet this morning
But I know I will be
Until then,
I write
I pray
I sit
I Become
I hope it goes without saying this is not an essay about food. It’s about satisfaction without guilt, fulfillment without shame. It’s about contentment and wearing a soft body without apology. It’s about being comfortable and happy in our own skin and letting laughter rise from deep in our bellies until we are in tears. It’s about letting ourselves be fed.
Feed a woman beauty, feed her love. But most of all feed her something sweet and salty, savory and delicious. We love snacks! Let her lust for what she wants, mouth hanging open with drool and desire. Invite her to find out it’s safe to be satisfied, maybe even holy. For, a woman starving cannot be a women in full! And we need WOMEN IN FULL.
Women are the fulfillment of Creation and Life Itself…
“The Goddess and the One who holds Her are one and the same.
We are inseparable. The way to [God] is through Her,” says the Radiance Sutras
Light your candles. Play your favorite music. Wear the soft fabric. Stand outside in the rain. Pet dogs. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Cry until you can laugh again. Eat the third slice of cake like an 8-year-old at a birthday party. Hold your belly at night and promise to fill it with what delights you.
Be fed, dear woman. We need your fullness.
Love, J ❤️
Love this creativity, you, your wisdom, and your work! 🙏